Phantom Shifts

Phantom shifts, for me, aren't really shifts, since I almost always have ears, fur, and a tail present. However, they are the most frustrating shifts for me, as I feel them, and my mind tells me when they're moving or when they touch something, yet neither me nor anyone else can see them. I know they're there. But they aren't physically there.

Now, when I say "fur", I mean the scruffy fur on a wolf's shoulders. When I'm angry or afraid, I get the tinglies all up and down my shoulders all the way to the hairline by my forehead. I can only pin this as fur standing on end, like a canine does when it's threatened. It isn't goosebumps, because I'll check the mirror and see no bumps, but it feels almost exactly like it.

My tail is quite possibly the most helpful and annoying thing about me. I know it isn't physically there, but often times I find myself balancing better if I twist or swivel something back there. However, most times I'll sit on it and after a while, my tailbone (the human, physical one) goes all tingly, then completely numb, while my butt tenses up, cramps up, then falls asleep. So often times I'll have to readjust my sitting position, and sometimes have to move my tail with my mind.
On the topic of moving tails, I can wag it and if I'm laying on my side, I can thump it against the ground (or bed or whatever I'm laying on), which in turn tells that part of my brain that my tail is coming in contact with a surface. My mind provokes a memory of the sound a tail-thump makes, and I'll hear the noise somewhere in the back of my mind. It'll also sometimes wag when I'm happy without my own doing, or tuck between my legs when people yell.

Lastly, my ears (both the phantom and physical ones) will move in reaction to sounds. The phantom ones will react, which tells my mind that my ears are moving, which tells my physical ears to move. More often than the sound-reactions are the emotion-reactions. I remember recognizing my human ears reacting this way and being really shocked. It was right after my dad was yelling at me on account of chores, then as he dismissed me, I noticed that my human ears felt like they were tugged backwards, against my head. I shook my head, and they slowly moved back to a regular position. As they moved, my fear and feeling that I had let someone down faded as well.

So, anyone else have phantom shift stories? Times when they hit their tail on something, or gesture with a wing? =)

When You're a Wolf

When I was younger, even before my awakening (that's what it's called when a therian comes to realize what/who they are) I had a mild-ish obsession with canines. When playing "House" with my friends, I would always pick dog (sometimes cat, though very rarely) and I was usually the best "dog" to have when you're 7. I would sit, stay, roll over, play dead, fetch...the works, really. I even ate and drank out of bowls on the floor, without using spoons or forks. Everything a kid wants in a dog, without the mess! I also had a strange attraction to the woods, and often I would stare out my window and wish I could roam without my mom worrying about my whereabouts. Then, when I got to public school (4th grade), I realized that kids my age weren't still playing "House" or "Animals" anymore, and so I dropped the urge to play those kiddy games.

Though I stopped playing "dog", I was still a fond friend to various stuffed animals. I had bears, lions, dragons, but mostly canines. I had a favorite one, named Spot, who was a Dalmation Build-A-Bear. I think Spot is still somewhere in my closet, actually. However, when middle school came, I had to drop the stuffed animal phase too, since that wasn't cool.

It wasn't until seventh grade when my awakening happened. Sixth grade was a pretty wonderful year, and I made lots of new friends. In seventh grade, the friends I had hung out with in elementary school left. They all switched into a rival school, and we never saw each other. This would have been a short, mild case of loneliness, had my awakening not hit me. It wasn't so sudden, really, but it did happen without fair warning.

I suddenly got the feeling like I wasn't supposed to be here. I felt like I didn't belong...usual angsty teenager stuff. But it got weird. I started having urges to howl, I could feel limbs and tails that weren't there. I felt my ears gain ghostly add ons to them, and the ears (both phantom and real) started reacting to sounds, and more importantly, emotions. I perfected a snarl and a growl and even had a nasty bark, all within a week or so, due to the urges. My sense of smell increased, though not in the way you would think. It wasn't like I could smell a tiny speck of dirt among a thousand grains, but scents became more personal to me. A human nose just goes with the flow, and smells whatever passes in front of it. My nose smelled something, then demanded I followed it to the source. My friends all gained their own smells that I can pick out of crowds with ease, now.

I also got a terrible case of the who-am-I's. I questioned if I belonged in my group of friends, if I belonged at my own school. Sometimes I thought I should just go and die, or run away. I don't know how or why, but when scrolling through the internet, I found my answer. I couldn't tell you what I looked up, or when I looked it up, but I can tell you this: I realized I wasn't alone, and I realized I was a therian.

I really hate labels. I do. But telling people I'm a therian is the easiest way I can tell them. Someone came up with a word to shorten out: I'm human on the outside, but inside I'm an animal or a mythical being, and I am not your definition of normal. Which is great. If there wasn't a word for it, even better. But I'm ranting, so pardon.

I began lurking on therian forums, and began to come to terms with my therioside (my wolf-self). I also had my first shifts, mostly mental shifts. Phantom tails and ears are always on me, so I don't think phantom shifts count. But I'll get into my shifts later. All I can tell you is that your surroundings are different when you're a wolf. Now that I'm older, I realize that life is pretty different when your a wolf.

Day Two: Religion

Ok, so some of you might be saying "Oh, she's pagan!" or "She's a hippy woman!" No. Let me just say that, right now. No, I am more or less Christian. While churches give me the creeps, I do follow most Christian morals and ideals. I don't like modernized Christianity, and how man has totally wickedized (is that a word?) most of what is in the Bible. I do believe there is some higher being up there, but I don't believe that this being is all loving or all hateful. If he/it made us in it/his image, wouldn't he be humanesque? So, he would make mistakes, and actually have other emotions other than "wrath" and "love". This is just how I see it, and I'm not claiming Christians are wrong, Bhuddists are wrong, etc, etc.

Now, second thing: Therianthropy isn't a religion. Many people in the community believe (and its widely accepted) that therians are a result from reincarnation. But that doesn't mean you follow a rhino god, or a bear god or whatnot. When a therian barks, it isn't a prayer to some wolfy deity. A howl is not some ritual song. No, it's just therian nature.

So, yes, there are heavy Christian therians, and there are probably Islamic and Jewish and Bhuddist ones too. So, don't you worry your pretty little head that these hippy, pagan animal people are going crazy and will end the world. Because that isn't who we are. We're people with normal jobs and schools and beliefs. Just with an animal side.

I'll start getting into more of my life starting tomorrow (or the next time I post). But I just wanted to clear out confusion for some people before I start to get into that.
So now that you know a little about me, I'm just going to jump right into my life. Try to keep up, and ask questions that are relevant.

Day One of Blogging

Well, since blogs are the newest form of a journal, I s'pose this is how I'll write out my life.
For now, I'll start with the basics. Just the things you need to know before you read, or comment, or troll (god forbid those people exist).
First things first: I am a therianthrope. Obviously, by the title. Before you go rolling your eyes or looking up the term on Google, let me just give you the gist. Basically, a therian is a person who identifies with a specific animal or multiple animals more than people. You share a mind/thought process that is akin to what your animal is. You don't turn into a therian, nor do you pick your animal. It just happens. My animal side is a Timber Wolf, and let me tell you, it isn't pretty and cuddly. But I'll wait for a later post for those stories. Just you wait.

Second thing: I am not crazy. I know alot of times, I might seem crazy, but I'm really not. I know the difference between reality and fantasy. Therianthropy is real. So don't call me crazy. I've heard it too many times.

Now...we'll get into the heart of the matter. So, some of you may be wondering "why?". To which I reply, "Because I must." I feel like I need to keep record of my experiences, and to share it with those who might be suffering and need answers. Heck, I might make a friend or two. And also, I think it'll keep me sane. Life has taken a rough turn around a bend right now, and writing is the best form of stress-reliever for me. So, I write this. My life, told through virtual journal entries. I'll try to stick with this daily. At the very least, weekly.
So hang on tight, and welcome to the world, through the eyes of Wolf.